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One of the dirtiest sexual words in my vocabulary, the “Quickie.” I have spent some recent thought time over the last couple months of personal reflection on why I don’t really mentally enjoy the thoughts of having a quickie. Seriously, why is this even an issue, and as a very sexually driven human, how can the thoughts of getting off really quick with another person be such a bad word?
Why has my brain established the quickie as being bad?
I really have to look to my past. Specifically my youth and upbringing in the church. Sex was never talked about, other than the importance of staying pure till marriage. But what was the side effect of this purity culture? For me, I think the fantasy of this unknown and non-talked about world of sex became extremely enticing. Not so much the physical feelings of it all, but the meaning, importance, beauty, and the spiritual weight of the moment.
A romance was being written in my mind about sex and the standards of my first time.
It wasn’t just church that romanticized “your first time”. I go back to the 90’s and the quantity of teen and coming of age movies that talked about “first times”. There was no shortage of narrative in pop culture about prom night expectations, making the night special, and having the perfect first time experience. Even one of my fav movies, Empire Records, one of the main characters anguishes over her first time being with a fading musical pop star Rex Manning. So much mental build up. The crazy part, most of these portrayals ended up in lackluster experiences and yet here I am still with this burned in expectation.
All of these things influence the development of ideas and expectations. Especially when it comes to something as formative as sexuality and sexual expectations. For me, the idea of quickie sex for the physical gratification of the body started to manifest itself in my head as being extremely less than what I wanted. Seriously, if I just needed sexual release, that is why I masturbated. Then I asked for forgiveness on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Sundays.
Quickies became a dirty word in my head and I related the people who wanted them as sluts or assholes.
So my counter culture anarchist self saw the guys that just wanted to have sex with as many girls as dirty. They were male sluts, using women for their personal pleasure. Objectifying them as the means for enforcing their masculinity and satisfying and ratifying their own sexualities. Reflecting on this now, it is why I have worked so hard to be the opposite of this male perceived trope that I developed in my youth.
The side effects of this has been interesting, and I am really only coming to these realizations in the depths of a very long term partnership with Lynn. We have been doing some very intense work on our own sexualities and it really causes us to look deep and decide what we want to keep and what we would like to change about ourselves, and how we practice our relationship with each other.
The pressure to have epic beautiful sex every time was an unachievable standard.
The side effect of not personally wanting quickies has been an unspoken pressure for Lynn to live up to some sexual standard that is simply not sustainable. When we started having sex, it was NSE (New Sexual Energy) that was keeping the excitement going. We had lots more time when we were first married to go at a healthy pacing. We had time to flirt, foreplay, and no time limits in the bedroom. As time went on, the nature of our sex life together changed, as it naturally does.
However, trying to make every instance of copulation epic, with all the foreplay necessary, equal opportunity orgasms, and post cuddles was not realistic. Sometimes a quickie was needed, and sometimes that’s really all Lynn wanted. She was finding herself in a long term relationship with an insatiable sexual romantic. And most of all, her partner felt that a good satisfying quickie was the dirtiest of words.
I felt like if I didn’t take the full time to take care of what I perceived as her needs, the sex would just be obligatory. Obligatory sex was the dirtiest of words for me and I associated obligation as my mortal enemy. The whole time my wanting to be the best lover for her was projecting a sexual reality onto her that was just too much.
Did we never have quickies? Yes, we have them.
When we have a quickie, in my head, I am just using Lynn. I sometimes feel guilty for getting the physical masturbatory pleasure that happens through a quickie with Lynn. *Even reading this over and over in the edit makes me frustrated that this is how my brain initializes this partnered sexual activity.
This mental process was backed by the cultural programming of my youth. Quickies solidified themselves in my psyche as being dirty. Quickie became the dirtiest of words when instigating sex. Unfortunately after many years of cyclical fights, and overall dissatisfaction with our sex life, did something start clicking with me.
Compromise isn’t the solution as much as the change of the methods of interaction. Sexual relationships have ebbs and flows. Life in itself is full of movement and rest. Somehow if we aren’t always doing more, succeeding more, generating more, than something must be wrong. For me, this feeling of something being wrong is predicated by the notion that the success must equal a place of expansion and greater development. A place I simply haven’t arrived.
What is wrong with existing in a space that is actually happy?
This fucking question is one that I ask myself frequently. It puts me in a place that maybe I am missing my current state of happiness in the search of happiness. Go figure that that this mindset also translates itself into my sex life. I have a partner who loves me. A partner who has sex with me on the regular. A partner who is willing to try new experiences and situations. Yet, here I am still lost in the conundrum of always wanting it to be better.
At the same time we were figuring out our sexuality, we were also going through an intense period of deconstruction of faith. We also found our way to opening up our marriage, which spurred even more conversations. This time also gave me time to have new experiences that were outside our norm. But for Lynn and I, it wasn’t till some intense communications that I started being released from these made up sexual ideologies. There is more about that deconstruction of faith in this leaving the faith blog.
Don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in having sex that has the free time to build, enjoy, reset and enjoy again. Reality check, it is impossible in our adult life for this to be every time we fuck. We have a happy sex life and it’s not less than because it doesn’t match 100%.
I’m learning there is beauty to a quickie.
I know, it even feels strange that I have to learn how to mentally enjoy a quickie. This is part of my mental state where I feel like I am betraying the idea of beautiful sex by “settling” for a quickie. My internal dialogue tells me that I am there that I don’t fully enjoy getting off with a woman unless everything is sensually perfect. Writing this makes me cringe on behalf of myself, and also feels a sense of sadness that it’s taken this long for the releasing of my historical programming. But there is growth to be done. There are new ways of writing the story of sex in my head. Because my story comes with a partner, it unfortunately has taken time for me to see it from her perspective.
Lynn’s enjoyment of sex with me isn’t defined by me or my expectations. But what she does love is making me feel good and making me feel happy. One of the ways that she felt like she can do that is through sex. Conversely, the mental load of creating longer sexual experiences was stressful and became a very contentious counter point to creating desire. My desires for longer sexual experiences were simply turning her off through expectations. I write about her perspective based off of many conversations that we have in regards to answering the ,”why do we have sex for each other,” question.
I have a partner that is very different than me. And we often say to each other that we are very unevenly matched when it comes to our individual sex drives. This may be true, but just because we are not matched, doesn’t mean our sexual life isn’t sustainable. What has to change is expectations.
The fantasy of sex doesn’t always match the reality.
This idea of switching away from the fantasy of sex has been a tough one for me. I grew up with the notion of what sex is and wanting the pleasure of sex from a very young age. These fantasies were reinforced by the taboo nature of sex implanted into my soul by the church. Then with the support of early 90’s porn, movies, and zero sex education, I developed a sense of what sex should be.
These foundations of sex really started taking a tumble for me when I got married. We both were married as virgins. We hadn’t even seen each other naked prior to our wedding day. I recognize that there is something in me that tells me to hold out and be patient. These practices build so the moment can be better. This is the story I tell myself. I find this story continuing to play itself out, even 20 years later.
The counterpoint to my sexual ideals. The start of healing. Getting rid of the dirty quickie.
In the last year, something has switched over in me. It is as if something is turning off in my psyche. I don’t want to say I am giving up, but instead, I am having a paradigm shift. That shift is allowing me to experience my own sexuality. Less expectations, and more experimentations. What does that look like practically? When Lynn asks me if I want to have a quickie, I practice saying yes.
Saying yes to a quickie feels like going against my nature. The self-imposed morality of it all is a battle. But I am telling myself that it’s ok. I am also learning to enjoy it. My brain still goes through the internal conversation that I am just using Lynn, but I have to remind myself where that motivation came from. I also have to remind myself who initiated the sexual experience. Lynn. It makes her happy, and in my desire to please, the side effect is it makes me happy.
This is a process for me to learn to be happy. My youth and upbringing really didn’t offer much joy in achievement. I was motivated because everything I did was for the Kingdom of God, or for the ministry. If I was doing it for myself, then that was a sin and all the work I put in to living this righteous life would go to waste. It was my ticket to eternal happiness. Wether you were happy or not in the moment doesn’t really matter greatly for the church. Suffering in itself is looked as a badge of honor to be justified in the afterlife. If you happened to do life right.
What I don’t want is a made up badge of honor for mentally suffering through a beautiful marriage.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me practicing quickies with Lynn for my personal sexual reprograming and for Lynn’s enjoyment. Part of this, we have to give credit to makelovenotporn for giving us a platform to explore, witness other real couples and individuals, and celebrate our sexual enjoyment in a social setting. Cheers to being sexually liberated. What a beautiful life we get to live in this moment. We hope that if you relate to our stories, that you can see them as encouragements for your stories too.
We leave you with this video, that we appropriately titled “Winter POV Quickie.” This is something that we have been doing a little more. Less planning the sexual experiences. Less setting up cameras and trying to make it perfect. More raw, handheld sexual connection between Lynn and I. Watching it back, it’s so sexy. I am a fan of this quick POV shooting now.
Our quickie video
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