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Growing up, I didn’t experiment sexually. It was too taboo. Yes, there were the occasional masturbatory moments in the bedroom by myself that I kept hidden and in denial about even up into adulthood, but those moments were covered in shame, and there was not any encouragement to explore and figure out my own body, so I didn’t.
Becoming a wife in my early twenties didn’t help this journey along either. Now there was the pressure to orgasm during sex, a “task” I wasn’t even sure I could achieve, and then of course, the need to keep my husband happy in the bedroom so he wouldn’t stray. The now elusive orgasm was a prize I was running toward, but only because it was what I was “supposed” to do during sex. With that kind of pressure, and no self-education in this area, I stumbled through a decade of marriage with my husband with no real gains- just frustrations for both of us. Yes, I could orgasm while we fucked, but it was a task, it was to keep him happy (NOT because that is what he wanted, it was what I THOUGHT he wanted), and it oftentimes was left lacking because it was not about me.
I was hanging onto Andre’s sexuality.
I was hanging onto Andre’s sexual coattails because I didn’t know how to find my own coat! And it frustrated the shit out of him and left me feeling defeated, with both of us struggling to really put the pieces together as to why…not really asking the right questions, not even knowing how to get out from under the Christian, societal, patriarchal, marital guidelines that we ascribed to.
So the road to finding myself sexually has been a long one. I am still on the journey, but I have much better tools now. To have a better mindset to work on myself, for myself. I recognize that I have to practice and make time for myself, and that being selfish about this is completely ok! I also recognize that my partner is a huge cheerleader for this in my life, and I appreciate his encouragement along the way.
Masturbation is this beautiful gift.
Masturbation is this beautiful gift. The beauty of it is it’s personal, it is fun, it is selfish, it is scary, it is pleasurable, it is experimental, it is worth it! It creates opportunities for self-discovery and it leads to better sex with partners too. I used to carry this awful phrase around in my head- that I didn’t want to “waste” an orgasm on just myself- I wanted them to all be with Andre so I got the credit in this invisible, non-existent list of checking off these “tasks”.
It has taken me far too long to value the orgasms just for myself
It has taken me far too long to value the orgasms just for myself- that those are just as valuable and pleasurable as the ones that are with someone else. And I always have had to remind myself over and over that there is not a limited supply of orgasms! There is unlimited love to give and to receive and there are also unlimited orgasms! Taking time to let my brain settle down and focus on myself, embracing my sensuality, is important and valuable. I am important and valuable, and giving myself these beautiful moments alone is a gift for myself!
I am on a perpetual journey for myself. The side effect of this journey is that it affects my long term partner Andre. It gives him a more genuine version of myself that is ultimately what he wants for me and for himself. Our sexuality is seperate and together.
You can find more of my sexuality and our sexuality at our page on makelovenotporn.tv. See where we came from and enjoy more blogs like one of our super fun ones, New York Inspiration.
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